Random pre-sleep ramblings
I think what I hate most about cancer, isn’t the stress, the worry or the physical aspects such as surgery/recovery…it’s how it changes you.
My man and I aren’t the same people we were November last year. Cancer changes everything and therefore changes you. While I understand the changes were necessary to make it through the past 8 months, part of me resents how I’ve changed even though I can’t pinpoint what aspects I don’t like. The changes feel intrusive and therefore to me feel unnatural. I don’t feel like me anymore, the me I’d become accustom to.
Then there are the changes to my partner, which are more than I could ever have anticipated. It was described recently that with every time one faces cancer, they become a different person in reaction to what they go through. I’m still getting close to this changed person and it’s so hard to try and comprehend how changed we are.
I find myself sometimes, in the rare moments my thoughts go quiet now days, mourning the way life was, prior to cancer coming back into our lives and changing everything.